What You Should Really Know About Having Three Children
From the Priss & Vinegar Archives circa 2018. It’s a good one.
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Big families are totally trending, you guys! KIDDING. But maybe not entirely? It seems like everyone I know already has three children or is agonizing whether to add juuuuust one more to their brood of two.
My husband and I spent years wracked with this same angst, and Internet “research” did us no favors. There are a million articles peddling “truths” about having three children, and they are mostly scary AF. I learned that three is scientifically proven to be the most stressful number of children and that having only two hands for three children is apparently a real problem. The data was undeniable: DO.NOT.DO.THIS.
I’m here to tell you to stop agonizing and go for it, because being a family of five is actually terrific. The energy in our home totally changed from “eh, we’re bored, let’s go do something” to 24/7 good-time chaos party, and I’m here for it. We don’t need to go to the zoo anymore because we are the zoo.
Suffice it to say, the Internet is getting this three-kid thing all wrong, you guys. Let’s clear up some of these misconceptions right now:
Two Hands + Three Children = Catastrophe.
WRONG. I don’t know why, but I find this one extra annoying. Like, unless you’re an octopus your family should just sit tight at two kids? Sorry, but mommy’s two hands aren’t the only capable ones in your household. My husband is a fully engaged co-parent and my big kids, at ages six and four years, are legit helpful. Everyone takes turns pushing the stroller, entertaining baby, and packing the diaper bag. I don’t have two hands; I have eight. Guess I’m an octopus after all?
Your House Will Be a Mess 24/7.
This one really flipped me out. I’m a neatnik, not because I’m trying to impress anyone or I want to suck the joy from my children’s lives or the patriarchy made me do it (I read the comments on Scary Mommy, too, you guys) but because I just can’t relax in mess. Sorry. It’s not you, its me.
Anyway, I’m here to tell you that welcoming another child will not turn your home into a vortex of filth. Buuuut you’re going to have to delegate more and find places to loosen the reins a bit. My older children have regular household chores (which are good for them!) and I am learning to accept my husband’s help without micromanaging how he does things. Our basement playroom is a designated free zone that can be a disaster, and I don’t care one bit.
You Better Like Your Partner Because You’re Going to Be Together ALL THE TIME.
Wrong again! Because of nap schedules and soccer games and birthday parties, my husband and I are constantly heading in different directions with varying assortments of children. We’ve also found that all five of us going out en masse can be more stressful than a trio and a pair doing their separate things. This, for us, has been the hardest adjustment, because we do actually like hanging out with each other. But, good news: we can’t get a babysitter anymore so we’re home together every night anyway. Wheeee!
You’ll Never Find a Babysitter Ever Again.
Sorry, you guys, but this is true. It is HARD to find someone who can juggle big kid energy and a baby’s needs simultaneously. Unless you have a regular nanny or au pair willing to work weekends or energetic grandparents living nearby, your social life is going to take a hit. This is, however, a short-term problem because eventually that precious baby will be part of your wild kid wolf pack that a neighborhood teenager can totally handle.
The Laundry Will Kill You.
I will never understand how adding one person to a family exponentially increases laundry output, but it’s just true. Our family is extremely grateful to be able to outsource much of this work, which we realize is a huge privilege not available to everyone. But let me tell you: I’d make so many other budget cuts before cutting housekeeping because not having to scale Mount Laundry chills me out way more than any trip to a day spa.
Your Middle Child Will Hate Life.
I always thought this was just parents projecting their overwrought guilt until it turned out to be totally true. (Tear.) My son, Brooks, lost his ever-loving mind when his baby brother arrived, kicking Brooks out of the only son, baby-of-the-family sweet spot. The boy formerly known as my most well-behaved child suddenly started throwing tantrums, fighting with the older sister he worships, and refusing to do pretty much anything. It was awful and I will admit to shedding my fair share of tears over “ruining his life.” (What did I say about overwrought guilt?) A committed one-on-one time campaign helped tremendously, as did allowing him more hands-on time with baby. But still, I can’t wait to hear what his therapist has to say about it in twenty years.
Say Goodbye To Your Free Time.
My bandwidth for “extras” -- yoga classes, elaborate weekend cooking projects, working on my blog -- is significantly limited since welcoming baby number three. This sucks. But as with the aforementioned babysitter conundrum, this is a short-term problem. Eventually the baby will become a proper kid who’s way more interested in chasing his older siblings than snuggling his mama. I’m not crying; you’re crying.
You Will Never Sleep Again.
I mean, were you really sleeping that much with two kids anyway? Between nightmares and bathroom trips and things that go bump in the night (spoiler alert: it’s your kid), sleeping a solid seven consecutive hours is always a pleasant surprise. Adding a newborn to that mix is a little hairy for a bit, but I’m convinced that making the baby wait a moment before being tended to a la Bringing Up Bebe is why Mac is our easiest baby.
When One Kid is Gone, It Feels Like Vacation.
And when two kids are gone, it’s basically a spa day. Mark this one as true, folks. My standards for what qualifies as “leisure” have lowered dramatically, but I’m not mad at it. I’m actually grateful. Expanding our brood forced me to find small moments of relaxation everywhere because a big block of “me time” is so hard to come by. Whether it’s listening to a favorite podcast while nursing the baby or a few minutes on Instagram while sitting in the dry cleaner’s parking lot, these corners of calm feel all the more delicious because of their scarcity.
Three is the Most Stressful Number of Children.
It’s science, you guys! For what it’s worth, I think this can vary wildly from family to family. If you have three under three or a set of twins in the mix or a child with special needs, then yes, this is probably true for you. Hugs.
If, however, you have some age gaps like we do, your stress levels are unlikely to take a hit. Having a newborn and a two year-old was SO much harder than this! All hail the Caboose Baby!