Dear Katie Holmes

16 Jul

We must admit: we were always kind of fond of you. You seemed so adorably normal and grounded compared to your contemporaries. No regular sightings at Chateau Marmont; no bony, emaciated frame; a completely un-Hollywood family; AND you dated Joshua Jackson before Diane Kruger hipster-ed him up. (Well done.) You were the charming, bright eyed, PG-13 kind of girl that we rooted for when you graduated from “Dawson’s Creek” to “Thank You For Smoking”.

THEN you started dating a 42 year-old, twice-divorced, possibly gay, teeny-tiny man who worships a sci fi character and believes he can move objects with his mind. What kind of jacked-up settings did you have on your eHarmony account?

And married him in the kind of dress I would have doodled on my Pee Chee folder in fourth grade. (Are those liveried footmen in the background?)

Then you did an intermediate jazz routine and lip synced on live television. Ouch, Katie. Ouch.

AND let your four year-old wear heels. In the rain. IN PUBLIC.

Rather than parse through the particulars of this lengthy exercise in incredibly poor judgement, let us just say how utterly delighted we are that you came to your senses. We like to think you were inspired by your daughter, Suri, who (if her blog is any indication) is sharp, sassy, and has exceedingly better taste in clothing. A “What Would Suri Do?” bracelet is definitely in order.

And while you are plainly in the midst of a carefully calculated media campaign (*snap*, Suri!), we are totally buying what you’re selling. The doting, strict-but-loving, single mother thing is brilliant and makes us sorry we ever stopped believing in you. Please just don’t blow it by slumming a la J.Lo, “dating” Bradley Cooper, or getting back together with Chris Klein. The public’s affection can only be regained so many times. (Just ask your ex-husband.)

2 Responses to “Dear Katie Holmes”

  1. CoastalSouthern 16 July 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    Ahh, how I’ve missed your posts! You have such a great writing style. I hope that you and the family are having a great Summer!

    I’m looking forward to your upcoming post on losing the baby weight. I’m 2 months pp and these last 10 lbs are not budging.


    • priss&vinegar 16 July 2012 at 9:09 pm #

      Congratulations on your new arrival — oh, how we miss that divine newborn smell!

      Stay tuned for our post on losing the baby weight, although I must admit that our method (extreme patience, running and the stomach flu) isn’t the most appealing!


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