Two words that should never be joined together: Maternity. Swimwear.

Pregnancy is not the most dignified time in a woman’s life, and I’ve certainly had my fair share of low points: celebrating that I scored the room at my OB’s office with a metric scale (guess who’s thrilled she never bothered to learn metric conversions!), purchasing an absurdly-named body pillow, over-the-belly maternity jeans and countless other things I swore I’d never want, and (my personal favorite) getting sick in my own driveway…in front of the hus-b…in the pouring rain…on Christmas. Growing a human being is amazing, but it most certainly isn’t pretty.

Which is why the prospect of squeezing myself into two scraps of lycra sounds like pretty much the worst idea since Crocs. I 86’ed the hus-b’s plan for a babymoon to Hawaii solely because the thought of being half-naked in public was so abhorrent, and the hus-b’s effort to encourage me by going maternity swimsuit shopping was a definite backward step. But with the spring weather heating up and my mother insisting that floating in a pool will make my third trimester a whole lot less miz, I was forced to delve boldly into this depressing category of apparel I had so hoped to avoid.

So it is out of necessity and at the request of a dear friend who is also pregnant that I did a little due diligence. Sadly, there are no maternity wetsuits or swim burqas to be found. What I have discovered, however, are that there are way too many skinny maternity models (who are clearly not pregnant in their arms and legs like me and Natalie Portman), slimming black is surprisingly not your friend (patterns and colors distract the eye, people) and that Googling “Amish Bathing Suits” is really, really funny. Behold, the least-demoralizing (and dare I say, cutest) of the maternity swimsuits we found:

Even at our crankiest, we can still appreciate the Old Hollywood glamour of this ruched, gray-and-white polka dot tankini from A Pea In The Pod.

We’re still trying to make J.Crew masquerade as maternity wear, and this ruched “Betty” tankini is no exception. Not roomy enough for third trimester bellies, this suit would be positively adorable on ladies due in the fall and winter.

Okay, we’ll admit it: this preppy little striped number from Splendid is actually kind of adorable. Horizontal stripes, though…brave ladies only.

An exception to the no-black rule, the chain link pattern on this Prego Maternity suit charmed us as did the flattering neckline.

This cheerful, coral-colored suit from Motherhood Maternity is the result of our most recent in-store due diligence. Bright colors and a halter neckline draw your eye upwards — advantage: pregnant lady! — and the price is certainly right given that it is destined to be the most loathed piece of apparel in one’s closet.