“No, no, Mama, go back. I want to see that rainbow heart again. Why is it broken?”
This was not the conversation I’d planned on having as I casually scrolled through my Instagram feed in a dirty airport-bound taxicab. But there I was, deciding in that Little Tree-reeking backseat whether my almost-five year-old could handle hearing about the massacre in Orlando.
I could have easily lied. “The artist isn’t finished coloring yet!” Or “A Care Bear must be sad!” Or “It’s a puzzle! How would you put it back together?”
Instead, I said to her: “I love that you ask so many questions. It’s one of my favorite things about you. (It really is.) But sometimes, you ask me questions I’m not sure I should answer. I don’t want to scare you or make you sad.”
“I can handle it, Mom.”
It’s was one of those gut-check moments all parents have, when you have to trust your knowledge of your child and make a call. Was this an opportunity to educate her or just plain scare her? It depends on the kid. I don’t know your kid, but I know mine. She might only be four, but she is thoughtful, wise, emotionally aware, and misses NOTHING. She can handle this.
So I told her. She already knew what guns were (though she calls them blasters, because “Star Wars”), and she has enough friends with two mommies that it has never seemed a remarkable arrangement to her. But hatred of that magnitude, that was something my beautiful, wide-eyed child knew nothing about. She listened with patience and responded as I hoped she would when I asked whether she thought hurting mommies who love mommies and daddies who love daddies was okay.
The cab driver, who’d apparently been listening this whole time, shared aloud that it might not “be right” to teach my child about people who are gay, as if that was the most troubling part of the story. I pretended I didn’t hear him, opting not to piss off my ride in the middle of Queens. But boy, did I want to.
I am bereft to live in a world where having these conversations with my child is necessary. But here we are. I am proud of my daughter for being so curious and brave and compassionate. I am reassured that my husband’s and my decision to always speak to our children honestly was the right choice for our family. I am grateful that the revelation of this hateful massacre has not led to nightmares or (TBD) a call from a troubled preschool teacher.
My daughter’s follow-up question was, if you know my tiny scientist, a perfectly-Charlotte response: “What does a gunshot wound LOOK LIKE?” I told her to save that one for medical school.
I think that’s great you spoke with honesty on the difficult subject. As you said, you know your child and every child will be ready at a different stage to hear about such tragic events. The taxi driver can shove it. 🙂
Thank you, Kate ❤️
We talk to our kids about a lot of topics our friends don’t and that’s OK. We talk about the birds & bees very realistically but very simply (though farm life tends to do most of the talking on that topic). We talk about kids having two moms, two dads, families with no kids, people who choose to not have kids or get married, people who have kids and never get married, kids raised by grandparents and kind strangers, people with boy parts that feel like girls inside, etc etc. Mainly on all of that stuff, my kids couldn’t care less. We haven’t talked much about violent topics because my kids are prone to nightmares, but they did have a training at their school about what to do if a “bag guy” is at the school. It broke my heart, but I am grateful the district isn’t being naive about it. Steal told me her teacher said “I promise, whatever happens, I will always do my best to protect you even if that means I get hurt in the process.” I mean….I cried on the spot when I heard that. We tend to talk more about following our instincts and what that feels like. We talk about guns a lot. We live in rural America. Everyone here has guns. We talk to every parent our kids spend time with about their guns and ask them to show us where and how they are stored. It’s a really crazy world. I have to make a very deliberate effort to focus on all the good or it really gets me down and scares me.
WOW. This is some powerful stuff, and I am so awed and grateful to you for sharing. It has never occurred to me to ask about guns in the homes of my children’s friends, and though I do not live in a rural area, still, it’s something to consider. Thank you for being such a wise & thoughtful mama!