How Not To Be An A**hole, First-Time Parent Edition

The other day at lunch I was seated next to a crew of moms and their newborns. Based on the sheer volume of pointless baby toys on their table and the stuffed-to-bursting diaper bags, I guessed (correctly) that they were first-time moms.

And because I’m a very curious and marginally horrible person, I totally eavesdropped on their conversation. It was every bit as annoying as I’d anticipated. #sorrynotsorry

First-time moms, I feel you. Heck, I WAS you! So I totally get that you want to figure out how to be a mom on your own time, in your own way. But maybe, just maybe, could you let me offer you a little advice? Because girrrrrrl, you need it.

Rethink Your Diaper Bag.

Because it’s ginormous and you’re going to herniate a disc carrying that thing. All you really need are a few diapers, wipes, a swaddle blanket (which can function as a nursing cover and a burp cloth), and a milk source of some kind. Those dicks at Giggle who sold you special pacifier cleaning cloths and a travel wipes warmer should be ashamed of themselves.

Let’s Learn the Basic Rules of Stroller Etiquette.

1) Park it as out of the way as humanly possible. 2) Don’t cruise three strollers across with your mom friends on a busy walking trail. (Sorry.) 3) Don’t abruptly stop in the middle of a sidewalk or grocery aisle to rummage through your diaper bag — pull over, dude! Trust me: your kid will be better for having waited a few extra seconds for her Whoozit. 

Mind Your Beeswax About How Other Moms Feed Their Babies.

Because you will be sorry, whether because you eventually feed your own baby formula or because you stop being terrified long enough for your empathy to start working again.

Please Stop Talking About Things You Know Nothing About.

I’ve heard all about how you’re going to potty train at 18 months and noticed you posting articles on social media about positive discipline. STOP THAT. Because when you do actually have a toddler, you will be MORTIFIED by 90% of what you’re saying right now.

Also On The List Of Banned Conversation Topics: Your Baby’s Sleep Schedule.

I know you’re tired and the only things keeping you going are coffee, that new baby smell, and the prospect of one day again sleeping for four consecutive hours. But truly, honestly, NO ONE CARES about your baby’s sleep schedule. I’m already bored just typing the words “sleep schedule.”

Also (and I know this is hard to hear), some babies are just better sleepers than others. All the dream feeds and Sleep Sheep and schedule planning in the world won’t change that. So don’t let that self-satisfied chick at playgroup whose three week-old sleeps through the night make you feel like crap. She just got lucky.

For The Love of God, Take Your Crying Baby Outside!

The American public can be especially inhospitable to children in public spaces, and while I have my issues with this, a**hole parents are part of the problem. If your baby is losing her mind in a restaurant/church/store that doesn’t sell baby stuff, GO OUTSIDE. HANDLE IT.

And if you’re on an airplane, you have nowhere to go, so order a bourbon and know that in three years’ time your kid will be quietly watching cartoons on an iPad while you binge read a stack of fashion magazines and nibble on Biscoff cookies just like the old days. Promise.