Surrounded by Breast Friends, nursing balms, and nipple shields, I thought I had it all figured out.
In honor of National Breastfeeding Month, a shameful confession: I used to judge formula feeding moms. Oh yes, I was one of THOSE MOMS, the smug, first-timers who privately deride the mothers at baby yoga class cracking formula bottles instead of hanging a boob. We’d all force a sympathetic smile at mom’s group when other women shared their painful stories of how breastfeeding didn’t work out for them, knowing deep down that we were tougher than them, better mothers than them.
WHY GOD WHY was I being such an insufferable sanctimommy?
Because misery loves company. Even for women who take to breastfeeding easily, it’s REALLY hard work. Like, don’t believe those lying liars at La Leche League because breastfeeding hurts at first. Your boobs are suddenly massive and unwieldy. You’re perpetually springing leaks. (Embarrassing times a million.) Mastitis is the actual WORST. You’re attached to your infant 24/7 unless you pump. Oh, and it establishes a massive disparity in parenting roles from the very beginning because your partner doesn’t have the boobs and your baby knows it.
Breastfeeding is a sacrifice, and what kept me committed despite the many inconveniences was (and we’ve all heard it) “Breast is best!” I HAD to believe this, cling to it, because if breastfeeding wasn’t magic (and scientists are starting to wonder…) then why the f**k was I doing it, exactly?
“Breastfeeding Privilege” is a thing.
Women like me for whom breastfeeding comes easily are totally oblivious to their Breastfeeding Privilege. Consider how perfectly the stars have to align for breastfeeding to work: a healthy, term infant with no NICU stay or palate issues; a mother whose body produces sufficient milk and is well enough for feedings; sufficient breastfeeding education and support; and a schedule where the mother can be with her baby constantly for on-demand feedings. (Like, uh, some people have to go back to work right away.) And what if the baby is adopted or was born via surrogate?
That’s a TON of variables. If they all work out in your favor? Right on! But if they don’t, you’ve still got to feed your baby somehow.
What changed everything.
I’d like to say I figured this out on my own, but in reality, it took a long walk with a close friend who I value for her frankness. She listened to fretting about my breastmilk supply (which had begun to plummet when my daughter started solids), and then she laid it out plainly:
“What’s your problem with formula?”
Pause. This was a friend who both breastfed and bottle-fed her baby, so I was wary of hurting her feelings with my candor. (Because apparently I am okay with judging you behind your back but not actually to your face. Yuck.)
“Formula feels like I’m feeding my baby…poison.”
The ugly truth revealed itself: I had been so thoroughly brainwashed by the breastfeeding messaging assaulting new mothers that I believed, not just that breast was best, but that formula was bad. I was declining to give my baby the extra nourishment she needed because I thought formula was worse for her than going hungry. (I know.)
I give my friend credit: she listened calmly and then shared all the reasons formula wasn’t poison. (And is more highly regulated than the garbage that goes into your breastmilk when you eat sushi and drink Diet Coke.) But more than information, what that conversation gave me was permission: permission to feed my baby however worked best for my family without fear or shame.
And so, a sincere apology.
Dear formula feeding moms: Sorry for being a grade-A jerk about how YOU feed YOUR baby. It’s really none of my business. You’re totally crushing it at parenthood and your baby gives zero f**ks whether the milk comes from a can or a boob.
Please don’t misunderstand me: breastfeeding has a lot to recommend it. It’s free, it’s at times convenient (you never leave home without it!), there are some measurable health benefits, and it’s super-duper snuggly. I breastfed both my babies and am grateful to have had that experience.
But it doesn’t work for every family, and self-styled “breastfeeding advocates” (and smug breastfeeding moms) forcing the “breast is best” message isn’t helpful. So again, my apologies. From here on out I’ll be saving my judgment for people who really deserve it, like the aging hippies who steal my parking spots at Whole Foods and anyone who doesn’t like nacho cheese sauce. Clearly, I’ve got much bigger fish to fry.
I think we can all be a bit guilty of this in one way or another, especially as new parents, but as time goes on and we really start to realize how hard and complicated parenting is, most of us get off our high horses. I hope. Good of you to be so honest about it.
Thank you! I tried, so hard. I breasts fed 1st my son for 4 months, but my simple was never sufficient, i had to supplement or he’d starve. Then my supply just dried up. Ff 18 years to number 2 baby. I tried, I’m older wiser, willing to suffer more for the cause. I was then informed i had flat nipples. Nobody mentioned this the first time…odd, or would be hard, but I’d persevere! At this point, i had an 18 great old, an 8 year old, and an infant. I was tired, miserable, had mastitis 4 tinted in 6 weeks. Almost died from malnutrition due to sickness and infection, but i couldn’t quit, breast is best. My baby is 8 weeks old, we’ve rarely left the house. Meanwhile, my 4 friends with 8 week babies formula fed, we’re taking the kid out and about,, socialising, showering, napping, happy babies, healthy well fed mamas not starving due to baby’s milk/soy allergy. My husband demanded i quit. So i could take care of myself, and our baby, happily, healthily… And the rest is pain free, very expensive fomula laden history ….
Thank you for posting this! I was one of those mothers that felt insufficient because I couldn’t breast feed my baby. I simply made barely any milk. I thought I was feeding her, she latched fine but she was starving until her one week appointment with the pediatrician. Not only did I feel guilty that I wasn’t making any milk, I then felt guilty for starving her and not knowing it! I would pump for an hour and would get 1oz of milk:( I would give her anything I could make while watching my friends stockpile it in their freezers. Not one herbal supplement or a hospital grade pump was helping me and I felt judged and it sucked! Both my kids now 6 and 4 are healthy, happy and perfectly normal. So to the moms out there that gave breastfeeding your best shot, keep your head up, it’s not possible for everyone.
Thank you for your words!It seems like you already learned a lot during your time being a mother and that is important. Judging others is in human nature, but it shows strength if you overcome judging and live as a more open-minded human being. This creates a supportive environment for all mothers, where we can choose freely how we feed our children. We all want the best for our families, and these choices might not be best for others.
Also there are formula brands that aren’t poison for our babies. Some of them are without GMO-ingredients, hormones, antibiotics, sugar,…If you are interested in this topic, you’ll find some interesting articles and products on http://www.myorganicformula.com
Kind regards,
Jade