Priss and Vinegar

{Essay} The True Story of How My Marriage Was Abducted By Aliens

This is your marriage. This is your marriage on kids.

This is your marriage. This is your marriage on kids.

My daughter was just a few weeks old when it first occurred to me that I might hate my husband. Our house was a wreck: he kept tossing clothes onto the floor inches from the hamper, forgetting to close every damn drawer and cabinet in the kitchen, and leaving dirty plates on the coffee table. We argued constantly about the baby, with him second-guessing the organization of a nursery I had painstakingly catalogued and me sobbing that he had no idea how hard it was to exclusively breastfeed. And then one afternoon, as we drove past his once-favorite watering hole, my husband dared ask when I thought our life was going to “go back to normal.”

I cried.  I yelled.  And for the first time ever in our relationship, I looked at my husband and thought, it might be better if you weren’t around.

In my defense, I was TIRED, but what transpired that afternoon and in the months that followed looked a whole lot like the unraveling of a marriage. We fought often, and about silly things. We went to bed angry. We started looking past one another.

It was shattering to suddenly dislike each other so intensely. All we’d ever known together was easy joy: we had been deeply in love; shared the same values, priorities and goals; and were mature enough to know the real deal when we saw it.  Finding one another had felt like a miracle. Our marriage post-kid felt like it had been abducted by aliens and then returned to us, unrecognizable.

We should have seen it coming. It’s impossible not to be aware that childless couples are happier, marital satisfaction plummets post-baby, and that kids can stress you the heck out. Several dear friends who were already parents had gently warned me that children could change a marriage. But we were arrogant and thought our relationship was special. That it was better. 

And we were, of course, wrong. Our marriage was mortal after all, but that also meant it was capable of being resuscitated.  Things improved a bit when we started sleeping more because — no surprise here — tired people are jerks. With sleep came the return of general civility to our household, like asking “Please get me a burp cloth” instead of screaming “BURP CLOTH!” It was remarkable the change brought on by simple things like smiling at each other (and not just at the baby) and looking one another in the eyes instead of being glued to our iPhones. We also got honest about what was really eating us. I didn’t hate my husband, but I did hate being a dairy cow chained to our infant daughter who refused to take a bottle. My husband didn’t want to go out every night, but he missed having the freedom to do so if he wanted. We were grieving our old life.

We were also struggling with feelings we weren’t especially proud of: sometimes we weren’t madly in love with our baby. Listening to a clean, fed, perfectly comfortable baby scream for the entirety of a four-hour car ride home from Tahoe will crush the spirit of even the most zen parent. But being mad at a baby feels wrong, so you snap at the one person who is fair game.

With the arrival of a second child, our marriage has again been tested, but this time we saw the alien spacecraft headed right for us. Now we know that I am MEAN when I am tired, that my husband is not to be trusted with dressing the kids appropriately, and that “normal” is a constantly moving target with small children. We’ve learned to ask each other for help when we’re having an especially hard day, and to be generous with small, loving gestures like flowers, a half-hour sleep-in, and really good hugs. It’s not perfect — there are plenty of days when I roll my eyes at him undeservedly and he huffs a molehill into a mountain — but we’re on the same team again, and I can honestly say that I look at my husband with even more love today than on the day of our wedding. If there is something special about us, then I daresay that is it.

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  6. Perfection! Having children really is like being abducted by aliens. Everything feels foreign and disorienting. Good luck with baby #2 and keep writing!

  8. It’s been 25 years since I had my first, and your post brought it all back. We were so exhausted, so inundated with BABY, that we mourned losing ourselves and didn’t have the words to express our sadness. Wish your words had been around to comfort me then.

    • You are so kind. Thank you! Maybe in 16 years I’ll be able to articulate what it’s like to send our children off to college 😉

  9. So glad you were able to work things out! So many couples give up at the first sign of conflict. Your marriage sounds like one that will last forever!!

  10. I like how honest your writing is. Becoming parents also forced us to get real with communication and I love it!!

  13. Though I am not married nor do I have children, I appreciated your candor and vulnerability in this post. Well written. Thank you!!

  15. OH THANK GOD! You mean there’s an end to this tunnel?! Best news I’ve heard all day. Thanks for the optimism in a very familiar-sounding story.

    • Yep, you’ll get there! It’s not magic — I definitely made a conscious effort to be kinder to my husband and more engaged in our marriage — but the return to a more familiar version of “normal” will happen. Good luck and congratulations on the baby!

  16. My husband and I only had one child, but I can well remember how it tested our marriage. What’s strange is, I don’t think he would remember it quite that way. It was me who made most of the adjustments. I’m not saying my husband isn’t a good father; he is. But I was always the one “in charge.” He was more like a very helpful assistant. When people warned me how much our lives would change, I thought they meant the lack of sleep and money. I didn’t realize they meant EVERYTHING would change. And yet, I wouldn’t have missed being a parent for anything.

  17. I can somewhat relate to this as well, and even though
    we both decided that one child was enough, our marriage
    was still tested, but we both made it through it all, and
    we laugh and communicate more now than we did I feel
    when we were dating. We are now wiser, much more mature,
    and I myself know myself better as a person. Some age like
    fine wine, and some just age to a bitter taste..lol! Enjoyed
    this read:)

  19. Every new mom should read this post. My husband and I went through the exact same thing – longing for our “old” lives where dinner & drinks BOTH Friday & Saturday nights were a given. Breastfeeding is also much harder than anyone truthfully admits in articles & breastfeeding classes. And….. nobody really tells you that you will have to work super hard just to tolerate your spouse in those months that follow the birth of your child. Thanks for an honest look at things……

    • I’m so glad this piece resonated so deeply for you. Isn’t it amazing how universal this experience is and yet no one ever sees it coming?

  21. Such an honest post, I am neither married nor with child but I really felt I could relate to this post after the breakdown of my eight-year relationship – it is comforting to know that everyone feels their relationship is above such rows/hatred but that at the end of the day even the strongest isn’t, but that you can make things work.

  23. Truly enjoyed your writing!! That was me…that was my marriage 5 years ago. I am happy to say we have overcome the difficult times and now we are stronger than ever…celebrating our 10th this year!
    Thank you!!! ^^

  24. Reblogged this on Seeking To Be Human and commented:
    This was so wonderfully honest that I wanted to share!
    This is also why I really appreciate that my husband and I had a full 15 months of marriage prior to pregnancy. So many of our friends were pregnant only a few months in, and maybe that worked for them, but we were really grateful to get to know each other through a whole year’s cycle before a kiddo came to bring out the worst–as well as the best–in us.

  26. It is unbelievable the sudden disagreements that a marriage may have after a child. For me it seemed as though we had everything figured out before our child. We agreed on how to raise a child and how our lives would be. As soon as our son was born EVERYTHING changed.

      • I was only married for 2 months before I got pregnant (was not planned) and we were both young. I will never ever regret having my child but sometimes I do wonder how different our marriage would be if we could have waited longer. We did not really have time to be with each other alone…

        • For what it’s worth, my husband told me this weekend that he thinks our marriage is better after children because we know one another so much better, and our communication and teamwork are off the charts!

          • That is great 🙂 I wish I could say that about my marriage we are still struggling but I still love that man like tge first day . … I just recently started my blog but its all about our struggles maybe you can take a minute and see if you would like it. I have yet to get any readers and would love some feedback good or bad 🙂

  27. I just wonder how did our grandfathers and mothers did when they had many and with many i really mean many children!!! I don’t really see why modern marriages all the time complained and complain and complain! Just don’t do whatever you cannot handle. Because simply you are not ruining only your life but your kids’ as well. My Humble opinion.

    • You bring up an interesting point when you mention now versus our mothers’ or grandmothers’ generations. The difference, I think (and there will be a post on this soon!) is that 21st century parenthood has higher expectations and fewer family members — or “villagers” — helping out. (And less Valium. Definitely less Valium.)

      • I think it’s time for us, since we live a different life, to understand ourselves first, once we do we are in a way complete, then comes this part when you have the capacity of understanding others, which is the partner, so before understanding ourselves no partners should be involved. After understanding the partner there will be a mutual agreement on having kids or not. If kids are something both want then everyone should set their priorities according to how children should be brought up, NOT forgetting how we still want to live. Anyone who is not being able to understand this I think shouldn’t be a parent yet.

        Please enjoy being a mother, because many in the world, and trust me when I say many, want to be mothers but they simply can’t, for different reasons of course!

        • I couldn’t agree more. There are so many special people in my life who haven’t been able to become parents (or experienced a lot of difficulty along the way) and I am mindful of that when complaining about my occasionally-rotten-but-generally-magical children.

      • I’m not. That’s not my purpose. I’m here on Earth to conquer, enslave, and exterminate mankind.

        I’ll pick up your kids from school the NEXT time my people come to attack your doomed planet. 😉

  33. This post was amusing, somewhat terrifying, and hopeful all at once. My husband and I just made the decision to go down this path and we “know” it will be hard on our marriage but I think realistically it’s just not something you can understand until you are there. We are just hoping we’ll come out ok on the other side!

    • Thank you! Keep on the look-out for my companion piece about how having children has made our lives more rewarding and fun. It’s not all sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to empty the diaper pail 😉 Good luck!

  34. Lol! Humor really helped us. Also, we had no illusions that having a kid wasn’t going to completely ruin our lives. That being said, the other day our daughter (10 y.o.) made us coffee and waffles before we got up. So don’t worry, it gets better!

  35. Guess this happens with whoever is helping out the most with the baby.
    With BabyT, I was a ranting monster with my mom. I bickered and quarreled and sulked a lot. I look back with guilt and amazement at that time, especially as my mom took time out from her job and commitments to help me. I am still grateful for her wisdom and patience. Hopefully, I shall be forewarned and armed next time around.
    Congrats on being freshly pressed. Glad you and your hubby have turned stronger as couple.

    • Thank you for your kind words! How true that caregivers in all situations can feel this way. What a wonderful reminder that parents come in all kinds of different forms.

  37. You find out who you married AFTER the kids arrive. And then, you find out that neither you, nor your partner, has a fixed character – both evolve under the pressure of too little sleep, the non-negotiable needs of the little people, the pressures of the rest of life, and so on. I know both my wife and I had gone through a transformation (somewhat Hulk-like at times), and we had to work hard to remember the person that was still there, and that we loved. The most challenging times came when the sweet little darlings (we had three girls), started moving into the teen-age years – and they went through the growing pains (both physical and mental) of transitioning into autonomous, and ultimately, (phew!) very capable human beings. During this process, you can do no wrong, then you become the stupidest and most awkward people on the planet (maybe even the universe), and then slowly, you regain a level of acceptance and even respect. We weren’t always sure we knew the person we were sleeping with – in fact at times we were perfect strangers to each other, but in the end, we’re both much better people because of haven been parents. Parenthood isn’t for everyone – some we know decided that it wasn’t for them, others found out too late that they were not capable handling the pressures, and still others evolved under pressure into people that were no longer on parallel paths. It is much harder for single parents (of either sex), so I can be thankful that we were able to do it together. The journey continues, but now each of our very capable daughters is forging their own new lives, and we can step away into a less primary role. Hopefully, each of them understand what commitment they make when they choose to have children, but once it starts, they’ll be learning, as we did, that parenthood is a transformative process. Great blog – very honest, and it rings “true”.

    • Wow, what a lovely insight! I am going to remember your words the next time my toddler wants a snuggle when I’m busy with something else; I’ll take the hugs and squirrel that memory away for when she’s a teenager that loathes the sight of me!

  39. Good to share this, what you wrote can give any couple going through a challenge the hope that honesty and remembering “it was the aliens” to get a little perspective and not lose faith in your commitment.

    • Great read! I remember being so socked at how much I disliked my husband after my daughter was born. I think they struggle to not change when you have already been changing for months. We made it through by talking a lot. Andthen nothing like twins to put a couple on the same page! United front and all that. LOL

      • Thank you! “Socked” is the perfect way to describe how it feels when you suddenly despise the love of your life. You clearly know exactly what I’m taking about!

  40. Love this!! I can totally relate after having two kids and one on the way! I like how you said that you were grieving your old life because my
    husband and I found ourselves doing that especially after our first kid!

    • Yes! That’s why I don’t understand people who say 1-to-2 kids is harder than having your first — the most difficult transition has already happened. You wake up early, have to book babysitters, and have surrendered to kid crap consuming your house. What’s another kid on the pile? 😉

    • Isn’t that the truth? We just crossed the six month mark and I am OVER breastfeeding, but my son is thriving and has a clear preference for bm over formula. {sigh} The things we do for our littles!

    • Btw, looking forward to following along as you make that 5K goal a reality! I went from getting a side stitch after a quarter-mile to running half-marathons. It can be done!

  44. All sounds pretty normal to me. The most important part is insight – which you obviously have. The minister at our wedding (over 40 years ago) talked about forgiveness – never were wiser words spoken. Cheerio, and enjoy your kids and each other while you can! Tony

  46. Beautifully written, funny, and so so true. I’m about to have number 2 and the traumatic memories of that first year (that I’d somehow repressed!) are coming back to me. This gives me hope!

    • Thank you, Tegan! Here’s a tiny bit of good news: the birth with a second is a CAKE WALK.

      Btw, I adore the spirit and content on your blog. Following!

  49. Three kids later and I agree. But it was worth it. Now retired we can visit the grandchildren and leave in the spaceship on a moment notice.

  50. Beautifully expressed! We’ve been married 28 years and our relationship has survived through nine babies. It hasn’t been easy but the result of coming out of each challenge (and many more than just babies!), has been one of deep “oneness”. Congratulations on being freshly pressed!

    • Thank you kindly! BTW, love the concept of your blog. Reading more literature (I was an English major, for pete’s sake) is one of my goals this year, so I look forward to your recommendations!

      • Literature is easy. Reading is hard. 🙂

        Deadlines help, of course. Well, that’s me. Pam doesn’t seem to need them!

        Cheers,
        C

  52. First of all, I feel ya on the breast feeding. You do it because you think it is best, but it is hard as hell for something that should be so natural. It should be obvious that kids change things, I think it just blindsides us by how much and to what degree. Still, it is comforting to know that we aren’t alone. Other couples/parents are going through the same sleepless nights and scream filled car rides. It takes work, but we make it. Thank you for sharing. My second is 10 months old. We are in just that place…actually, we are just getting past it for the second time.

    • Congratulations on your second child and on reaching that martial sweet spot! We’re just getting there ourselves after baby #2 and it’s a relief 😉

  53. I am newly married and have never been more in love. This scares me! I know it is just sort of the natural way things go, but still. My husband is my favorite person, I have been in relaionships where all you are is unhappy, I don’t EVER want to feel angry with him for more than….. a couple of days. I know we could likely get threw anything. Makes me feel slightly less left out when my friends try to peer pressure me into having babies, and alot more thankful with how things are now: Quiet and Free.

    • ENJOY IT! I wouldn’t trade my children for anything, but I sure do miss those lazy Sunday mornings, reading the paper and watching football in our jammies while we drank coffee and spent two hours cooking an elaborate brunch…

      Look out for an upcoming companion piece about how our lives became MORE fun and rewarding after having children 😉

    • Thank you. You know what, we’re kind of getting there! Writing this post was immensely therapeutic — I went straight to lunch with my husband after I finished writing it and we felt like newlyweds 😉

  56. This is one of the truest things I have ever read and I can relate so much to what you describe. Thanks for writing this 🙂

  57. That’s a really lovely and funny story (I’m still chuckling over “BURP CLOTH!” hahaha), and while I don’t have any kids of my own I can recognize some of that frustration in my own parents sometimes. I guess it never really goes away completely.

    • Thank you, Katy! What a great insight. Come to think of it, I still notice some of these habits in my parents’ household, too. (My father is DEFINITELY “one of the kids!”)

  58. I agree what you said because my friends and auntie share their stories to me. Honesty is important to marriage especially when you need help. In my mind, communicating and helping one another is to build a better marriage.

  59. Love this! It’s nice to know that there are others in the same boat.

    • Oh yeah! You know, it’s funny: my friends share all kinds of nitty-gritty details about their kids, but marriages go un-discussed for the most part (unless things are REALLY bad). Wonder why that is, no?

  62. Loved your honesty! I wrote a blog kind of similar to this one one what I’ve learned thus far in marriage. I read a book a while back called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and of course another great one is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. That one came directed to me by a friend who was separated from her husband but still wanted to make a go of it. At first I thought that I was never disrespectful to my husband but when I really allowed myself to be honest I found that I was. I also stumbled upon a blog called The Peaceful Wife’s Blog which made me take a good long hard look at myself and the roll I played in my marriage’s disfunction.

    Anyways, I really did love your post. As a wife of three children who gave up her career to stay at home, I feel your pain.

    Best of luck to you!
    Kris

    • Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I’ll have to check out that blog (and yours!) soon. (By the way, aren’t you Danielle Grabiel’s sister? We went to college together and I think she’s grown up into such an AMAZING woman. I am in awe of how much meaningful living she can fit into a single day!)

    • You know, one of my concerns about this post was that it might scare the bejesus out of readers considering starting families! The other part of the story that I don’t write about here is how much more rewarding our life together has become BECAUSE we have children. Thank you for your comment — I’m inspired to write a companion piece!

      • Well, if it scares them, they’ll always have that same denial to fall back on: “we’ll be different.”

        • Thank you for putting words to whet do many oh through.

          The guilt and the shame when you realize that you aren’t going to be the perfect parent that never tired or angers is so difficult. Honesty is the first step to changing the parenting perception. Great post.

          • That you for the sincere sentiment. I’m far from perfect as a parent or a wife, but I can honestly say that I try REALLY hard at both.

  66. In an attempt to keep things in perspective, we often joke that the kids are trying to take over & perhaps we should consider just signing over the house & let them.
    It was nice to be reminded others are going through this, thanks !

    • Could you imagine? Cheesy bunnies three meals a day and cartoons on a loop. My daughter would dress the entire family in tutus. Madness!

  67. Maybe the baby didn’t like the altitude changes. I know my ears pop on that drive.

    • If only! She screamed her head off during every car ride, of every duration, at any altitude. Just loathed being tied down in a carseat!

  70. this is so true! the other night I asked my husband “don’t you remember sitting on the sofa feeding 2 crying babies every night from 4-7?” he responded, “I’ve repressed that entire first year and I suggest you do the same!”

  71. That’s the truth! I’m so glad you’re back to blogging.

    • Thank you! I’m delighted to be back. Looking forward to a robust writing year — with two kids now, I certainly don’t lack for material!

    • There is nothing better than telling the honest-to-goodness truth and having it mean something to other people, too 😉

Trackbacks

  4. […] has somehow managed to become the apple of her eye. She delights in helping to care for him (guess who I yell “Burp cloth!” to now?), involving him in her favorite games (which explains why he occasionally wears a tutu), […]