Dear Beyonce

“Jay, do you know what would make this moment even more perfect? A dirty diaper.”

Can you hear yourself? Because you sound certifiable, dear.

You already know how much it frosts our cookie when celebrities claim to be “just like us” for the sake of self-promotion. We don’t want our celebrities bragging about how they allegedly breastfeed until their kids are five, grow organic vegetable gardens, and drive carpool; it’s dishonest, it’s condescending, and (much like celebrities popping off about politics) it’s not really in their job description.

So you can imagine the shade of purple our face turned when we saw the People Magazine headline: “Beyonce and Jay-Z Love Changing Diapers!” (Of course you do.) You went on to say how you “love every moment of it” and “it’s so beautiful.”

Seriously?

While it may be within the realm of possibility that you and Jay-Z sourced some kind of extravagantly expensive baby food that makes your baby’s shit smell like actual roses (do tell), odds are that little Blue Ivy’s diapers are filled with the same foul business as every other baby on the planet. We suppose what you meant to convey is that you are a regular mom — just like us! — but what you inadvertently communicated is that you hardly change diapers at all.

You know, we enjoy picking apples, but that’s only because we do so occasionally as some kind of charming novelty. If we were a farmer who picked apples every day as part of our job, we’re pretty sure it would stop being so enjoyable. You dig?

Diaper changing is icky business, and were we similarly positioned, you better believe we’d outsource the task full-time. Wipers! (And if the reports that you have six nannies are in fact true, that has to be the laziest team of nannies ever assembled.) So go ahead and be candid about the fact you don’t change diapers regularly and quit espousing this false domestic, “just like us” rhetoric. We’d respect you far more for being frank about your privilege than for attempting to be your audience’s peer.