A Handy Toddler-to-English Dictionary of Commonly-Used Phrases

Pondering how she can score an extra cookie. “Daddy!”

Communicating with toddlers is special. They alternately speak with incredible frankness — “THE POOP IS COMING OUT!” — and enigma — “Noodles.” (You like them? Or you don’t like them? There are some in your shoe???) This is partly because they’re still in the process of acquiring language, and partly because they just can’t be bothered when there’s a puddle that needs jumping in rightthisverysecond.

So Priss & Vinegar has compiled a mini Toddler-to-English dictionary of commonly-used kid phrases. The next time you run into a toddler, you’ll be two steps ahead of them. (Metaphorically only, that is. Get ahead of a toddler and they’ll end up running into oncoming traffic.)

• “I don’t want to take a nap!” = I really, really, REALLY need a fucking nap. See also: “I’m not tired!”

• “I need to go to the doctor.” = I feel gross and really need to go to the doctor. Alternate definition: There is absolutely nothing wrong with me but I’d really like some one-on-one attention and bubble gum-flavored medicine, thankyouverymuch.

• “I want a snack.” = I’d rather eat processed cheese crackers than any meal you lovingly prepare for me. Fire up the garbage disposal, lady, because that’s the only place this Weelicious grilled salmon is going to be digested.

• “I want Daddy!” = Daddy would NEVER co-sign on this time-out, you monster. See also: “I want Mommy!”

• “I wanted the GREEN sippy cup!” = I am in control. Just get used to it, people.

• “I want that!” = Unless you stop me, I’m going to touch that in 3…2…

• “No!” = Whatever you’re trying to get me to do right now is going to take approximately twelve minutes longer than you planned for.

• “Please.” = I want this toy/cookie/screen time so badly I’m even willing to be nice about it.

• “This food is spicy!” = I’ve decided I don’t want to eat this and “spicy” seems to be the only word that gets you to back the heck off. Enough with the kale, already.

• “This shirt is itchy!” = I really wanted to wear that other shirt, you know, the one I wore yesterday? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S IN THE LAUNDRY?

• “Two more minutes?” = Two more hours?