Communicating with toddlers is special. They alternately speak with incredible frankness — “THE POOP IS COMING OUT!” — and enigma — “Noodles!” (You like them? You don’t like them? There are some in your shoe?) This is partly because they’re still in the process of acquiring language, and partly because they just can’t be bothered when there’s a puddle that needs jumping in rightthisverysecond. (They are also crafty as hell.)
So Priss & Vinegar has compiled a mini Toddler-to-English dictionary of commonly-used kid phrases. The next time you run into a toddler native, you’ll be two steps ahead of them. (Metaphorically, that is. Get ahead of a toddler and they’ll run into oncoming traffic.)
- “I don’t want to take a nap!” = I really, really, REALLY need a fucking nap. See also: “I’m not tired!”
- “I need to go to the doctor.” = I feel gross and really need to go to the doctor. Also, There is absolutely nothing wrong with me but some one-on-one attention and bubble gum-flavored medicine sound delightful, thankyouverymuch.
- “I want a snack.” = I’d rather eat processed cheese crackers than any meal you lovingly prepare for me. Fire up the garbage disposal because that’s the only place this Weelicious grilled salmon is going to be digested.
- “I want Daddy!” = Daddy would never co-sign on this time-out. Monster. See also: “I want Mommy!”
- “I wanted the GREEN sippy cup!” = I am in control. Just get used to it, people.
- “I want that!” = Unless you stop me, I’m going to touch that in 3…2…
- “No!” = Whatever you’re trying to get me to do right now is going to take approximately twelve minutes longer than you’d planned for.
- “Please.” = I want this toy/cookie/screen time so badly I’m even willing to be nice about it.
- “This food is spicy!” = I’ve decided I don’t want to eat this and “spicy” seems to be the only word that gets you to back the heck off. Enough with the kale, already.
- “This shirt is itchy!” = I really wanted to wear that other shirt, you know, the one I wore yesterday? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S IN THE LAUNDRY?
- “Two more minutes?” = Two more hours?